Xhantilomzi Qotoyi spills the beans behind his bold new book ‘How to Keep a Man’

Ladies, do we ever wonder why so many relationships or marriages don’t last?

When a man cheats, is it usually our fault? When fights break out, are we the ones to blame? Or when the spark starts to fade, do we feel lost and unsure how to keep the love alive?

These are questions many of us have asked ourselves — because love isn’t always easy, and keeping it strong takes more than just hope. That’s why Xhantilomzi Qotoyi’s new book, How to Keep a Man, is striking a chord with women everywhere.

His first launch of the book was a massive success, selling out the entire first batch, with celebrity singer Mawhoo grabbing five copies for herself.

In an exclusive and candid interview with Africa Jamz FM News, author Xhantilomzi Qotoyi shares the bold truths, honest insights, and heartfelt advice behind his bestselling book—offering a fresh perspective on what it truly means to keep our men and build lasting love.

Inspiration behind the book ‘How to Keep a Man’

Kicking off the conversation by sharing the inspiration behind this thought-provoking book, Xhantilomzi reflects on what drove him—as a man—to write about how to keep a man. He opens up about the personal experiences and observations that shaped his perspective, and how he managed to be honest and direct without falling into the trap of stereotyping women.

“As a man, I have seen relationships from both sides — the things we men struggle with, and the things women often feel pressured to do to “hold on” to love. A lot of my inspiration came from my own messy experiences and from observing how love makes us act in ways that don’t always make sense. The honesty in the book comes from that lived reality, but I was intentional not to stereotype women. Instead, I used humor and satire to show that relationships make all of us delusional sometimes, regardless of gender,” said Xhantilomzi.

Xhantilomzi breaks down the real message behind ‘How to Keep a Man’

Some people feel that the phrase “how to keep a man” makes it seem like it’s only a woman’s job to make a relationship work. Xhantilomzi opens up about whether he wanted to challenge that idea or if he believes it’s true—and what made him choose that point of view.

“The title is playful, but it’s also a social mirror. On the surface, it looks like I’m putting responsibility on women — but when you actually read it, you see I’m questioning that very idea. I wanted to challenge the expectation that women must do all the work in relationships, while also poking fun at the fact that many of us have been guilty of acting like it’s true. It’s satire with a deeper truth,” said Xhantilomzi.

Men are not that simple

Xhantilomzi shares what he believes women often get wrong about men in relationships—and how his book hopes to close that gap and build better understanding.

“I think the biggest misunderstanding is that men are only simple or predictable. In reality, men are layered — we crave respect, gentleness, and understanding just as much as love and attraction. My book bridges that gap by showing the chaotic reality of relationships, but also by hinting at what actually makes men feel seen and valued. It’s not just about “keeping” a man; it’s about understanding one,” said Xhantilomzi.

Curiosity or conditioning?

The sold-out first batch of How to Keep a Man proves just how much this conversation is needed. Xhantilomzi reflects on whether the strong response to the book is because women are truly looking for answers—or if it’s a result of societal pressure that tells them they have to keep a man no matter what.

“Honestly, I think it’s both. Many women are genuinely curious about the male perspective, because it’s not often shared this openly or with this much humor. At the same time, society has definitely conditioned women to believe their worth is tied to keeping a man. The book doesn’t deny that pressure — instead, it plays with it, exaggerates it, and in the process, exposes how unnecessary and unrealistic that pressure really is,” said Xhantilomzi.

If men were the readers

As the conversation wraps up, Xhantilomzi answers the question of whether the message in his book would stay the same if he were speaking to men instead of women—or if he would have written an entirely different book for a male audience.

“If I wrote it for men, the tone would shift but the lessons wouldn’t disappear. Men also need to understand how they show up in relationships and how their actions impact women. The difference is, I’d probably be more direct, less satirical, and more focused on accountability. With women as the audience, the humor and “delulu” angle was my way of making the truth easier to digest — but if men were reading, I’d serve it a little straighter, because we need that too,” said Xhantilomzi.

If you want to purchase a copy of How to Keep a Man, you can order it through the website delulumall.com.

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